Another poem, written by my friend Courtney=)

As I glance down at the beautiful blade,
Remembering all of the horrible mistakes I made,
Tears cascading down my cheek,
Feeling dead and spiritually weak.

Pretty pills lay on the table beside me,
Resorting to this perverted remedy,
I plan to shear open wounds unto my skin,
Realizing the darkness shining within.

But here stands a picture of my savior, my soul mate,
The one who has morphed my awful fate.
What would they say of my cruel mind?
Would I be leaving something behind?

I lower the razor of fate to the floor,
I refuse to let myself cry anymore.
Too much keeps me by my beloved's side,
I slowly realize it's only part of me that died.

So I gaze towards the once empty Heaven's in prayer,
Knowing now that I can find Him anywhere.

When I feel lost or in eternal pain,
When I feel like life is in utter disdain,
I look to him and smile,
And know life isn't all that vile.



"well if you see yourself thinking about others and what they would like, you need to stop. that's one thing i had to learn and it took me forrrever. here: i wake up. determine what mood i'm in. lazy? what if i see this person today and i'm dressed like i didn't care? nope not right attitude. i'm feeling like i don't need to try with my wardrobe so i won't. if i wake up and i'm like alright i'm doing good, i have time. maybe i'll really try hard today like spend lots of time. okay by the end of the time span i still look like i gave a 5-minute effort. so guess what i do now? i spend 5 minutes on clothes and hair. make-up takes maybe 5 minutes. b/c i've finally come to realize i honestly don't give a crap if people think i didn't try b/c i know i did at least a little and what i think about myself is more important."

"I didn't even know you well at youth conference. i knew nothing about you, but I thought you were cool, and I always slightly wanted that, to be like you and your group. But I felt I wasn't good enough. But when you cared, when you asked what was wrong, I knew that kind of person. I knew to trust you. Instinct." - someone said that to me. i'm not going to share who but it meant a great deal.

"you may be surprised to hear this but i've been alone quite a lot before. it sucks it really does and all one wants is to find someone who they can turn to, talk to, fill that loneliness. i know it sucks and i wish i could give you the best advice but i really don't know what to say. i don't know your background, your thoughts, your wants and desires. i know you're a great person but like every other great person you can't do it alone especially when trying to fill that gap of loneliness. turn to your friends, but most importantly what i've learned to do is pray. i wish i prayed more when i was your age and in the intermediate/middle school level b/c it would have helped me a lot. seriously, turn to good friends for help and advice but even when friends fall short sometimes (b/c lets face it we all fall short, no one's perfect) God's always there. and this may sound cheesy, fake, and irrelevant but it helps incredibly...
...i used to never vent. trust me don't go down that route. venting is good. i had so many things built up in me that once i finally started opening up to people it was like it was impossible to start from one point and explain what i was feeling b/c it was like i want to talk to you about this but then i need to tell you why i'm reacting why i am so it's b/c of this and that's b/c of that and it sucks b/c people sometimes don't understand where i'm coming from b/c it's almost like they don't know the real me b/c i never really showed anyone my feelings until i'd say probably 8th or 9th grade. especially this past year since last summer i've changed a lot. and not really changed who i am just more that i changed how i acted around people. like i started being myself and i'm quite emotional more than i used to think"

a few thoughts i shared with a friend. i guess you can tell me what you think. if you don't, oh well. if you do, alright. the second quote is something she said to me.